For those of you who have followed my seemingly random (and probably random, actually) exploits, thank you for following me this far.
Now, I know a blog post that advises someone to read something else is a little unusual, but here’s the thing – I’m going to be writing a lot that is very personal to me.
So, as always, where to begin with this update? Well, firstly I would like to announce that I am still working on Scrap Metal TCG – along with this, I have several other projects open that I am trying to divide my time between. Currently, I am actually looking to put together a “plan” on what needs to be completed and a rough date of when. It sounds ridiculously structured compared to my usual “I think I’ll do this bit next” attitude, right? But the thing is, in actuality, that I have bursts of creativity followed by nothing. So, the idea is to give myself a goal, targets to achieve, so that maybe someday I will be able to publish any of my works.
It’s incredibly frustrating to have creativity that comes in waves like this, to be honest. I could, for example, be heading into work for the day, and have one of those cartoon-style light bulb moments where everything makes sense, but for the following week I would just be staring at the work already completed trying to understand where I am in this chaos.
I also have other matters to contend to regarding works, which include my full-time job, babysitting of the balls of energy that are my niece and nephew, and on top of that I also suffer from depression. For those of you reading, you may think I buried the lead a little, there. But it is a difficult subject to talk about, and it is incredibly personal. Some days, I just sit and stare endlessly into nothing, my brain whirring away to come up with various reasons why I suck. There have been some very dark thoughts running through my mind over the last few months, but I will not discuss those further – they don’t deserve my attention or yours.
So what is the point of this post? Well, that’s just it – “what is the point”? It’s a question that I have asked myself so many times. But the point is to continue, and I know this. I need something structured to use for support, and working on projects and trying to become involved in “the world” once again. My tweets have dried up recently, and I’m no longer in a place (physically, and probably mentally) where I can make YouTube videos any further, and I’m in a job that drives me insane (but I’m surrounded by people that are amazing).
This is not a goodbye note, or a cry for help – this in my eyes is an explanation, but more than that it is me. I am rallying myself, collecting all of the pieces that are me, the thin end of the wedge that will pry apart this shell that has formed around me. I want to continue, and to be a success, as do millions of others in similar positions, so why should I let a few misplaced chemicals in my brain tell me what to do? Fuck those guys, they suck.